Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
