Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
