finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
