I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
