please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
