for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
