Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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