Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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