And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize