Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
