I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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