what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
