You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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