We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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