Soap is not a condiment
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
