Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
