i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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