Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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