there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
