I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
