oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
