are you still at the devil's house?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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