yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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