i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
