There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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