Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
