Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
