I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
