I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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