I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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