Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
