dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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