bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
