I CAN MOONWALK!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
