My cat gives me a boner
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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