Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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