Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
