sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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