party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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