Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
