Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
