what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
as a side note pls kill me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
