I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
