So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
