I am puke
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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