She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
