So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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