Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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