dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
