I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
