He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you will always have a special place in my vag
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
