Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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