I think my vagina is haunted
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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