I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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