I got chris browned last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
