with your own penis?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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