youre lurking in front of me
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
