my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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