Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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