I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
